DEATH FROM ABOVE: War declared between bin men and monster seagulls

Winged hooligans bring misery to the heroes who empty our bins

A new front has opened in the war between mankind and vicious flying fury – the seagulls are after our refuse collectors, and they’re bigger and angrier than before.

Refuse collectors all over the country say that the avian criminals are bolder than ever in their attempts to get their beaks into tasty rubbish, to the point that they’ll physically attack any poor human that stands in their way.

And one national waste and recycling company, Divert.co.uk – says the problem is only getting worse, and has the pictures to prove it.

“It’s like a scene out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie,” says Divert.co.uk spokesperson Mark Hall, “The one with all the birds”.

While seagulls and rubbish dumps go together in a love-hate relationship like Han and Leia in Star Wars, Hall explains, “these new super-angry seagulls are becoming a total birdemic, with our teams being forced to run for their lives”.

Birdemic: What’s going on?

When Eric Cantona famously made his bizarre ‘seagulls follow the trawler’ speech, he was wrong in every way. Seagulls, as we all know, follow the bin lorry, and the feathered fiends seem to be getting more vicious every day.

Barely a day goes by without the beady eyes of the airborne hooligans settling upon one of our team emptying a bin or unloading the truck, without them swooping in for the kill, squawking like a demented car alarm.

Whether they’re protecting their young, looking for tasty treats among the refuse, or that they simply hate humans, it looks like increasing numbers of urban gulls are fighting for every scrap of food they can find, and they won’t let waste collectors stand in their way.

And one thing is certain among veterans of the waste industry- these monsters are more numerous and far larger than the scrawny specimens of the past.

“It’s like they came from an Evil Scientist’s lab”, says Divert’s Mark Hall, “but we know that the birds are eating better, getting more confident, and know they’re getting the better of us.”

“God help us all if these monsters start organising themselves.”

“It was like a nightmare become real,” says refuse operator Dariusz of one of his several bird-based ordeals, “they came out of nowhere and just went for me, all beaks and claws.

“I had to run for the truck cab to save myself,” he said, “there were already two other guys in there doing the same.”

It’s even worse by the coast where, emboldened by the easy pickings left by careless tourists, the winged ASBO candidates have declared war on people tasked with taking their food supply away – the vulnerable, and some would say innocent, refuse operative.

“Empty a seafront bin?” says refuse collector Mark Taylor of Addingham, “not without full protective gear. I’m ex-Forces and nothing terrifies me more than those flying gits.”

What can be done?

The rise of the urban gull and their evil human-hating ways comes directly from human activity.

High-rise buildings mean that they can lay their eggs and raise their brood out of the reach of natural predators like foxes. More seagulls surviving means less food to go around, and that has turned them into vicious pecking machines with a liking for extreme violence in their search for sustenance.

That makes bins, rubbish dumps, and recycling centres a natural target for feathered death from above, and the one thing between them and their target are our day-glo clad heroes, armed with nothing but a broom and their wits.

People feeding the gulls, either in city centres or the seafront, only encourage them to associate human activity with food, to the point that they will swoop in and steal it out of your hand.

And it’s a psychological battle, as it’s very much frowned upon to actually hurt or kill a gull, so it’s more about deterrence than resorting to violence to end this bewildering war.

Mark Hall of Divert.co.uk say: “That means homeowners, landlords and businesses should make their rooftops unwelcoming for gulls so that numbers might gradually decline.

“Food waste should be well wrapped to prevent the birds getting a whiff of your half-eaten kebab.”

“But most of all – Tourists and city folk: PLEASE Stop feeding the gulls. We’ve seen enough pecking injuries in the refuse industry to last a lifetime.”