We’ve all been to an event and seen the same scene. If you’re at a music gig, your eye is dragged to the only person in the audience who isn’t dancing. They are a solid, stoic iceberg in the sea of waving lighters and flailing limbs. It could be a dad at a One Direction concert, or a girlfriend dragged to an Iron Maiden gig, or a teenager suckered into a night at a Beatles tribute concert with their mum. You can always spot the ones who don’t want to be there. I wouldn’t say it brings everyone else down because it’s more chuckle-inducing than anything or pitying, but it’s a sight you’re likely to see at the football just as much.

Is that you? In the middle of a row of screaming fans, scarves smacking your face as they jump, trying to follow what’s happening on the pitch, probably wondering how you go in this situation?

Well, lucky for you, we have a solution. Read our guide to surviving a football match for the people that were just being polite when they were asked.

Don’t poke fun

There are two types of people who have found themselves at their first football match: those who have never been to one but are interested in the game and those who are not.

If you are the latter, be respectful. This isn’t you’re arena you’re in. You’re well outnumbered, so any jabs at “the beautiful game”, with the quotation marks acted out, will not be appreciated. Presumably, you’re there if you have no interest in the game to support a loved one. So, simply accept that this is what they love, and they are what you love. Maybe remember all the gigs, bingo rooms or soaps that they have sat through for the pleasure of your company.

Besides, we’re talking about football fans here. If British culture has taught you anything, it’s that the locals take their football very seriously. It is a no-go area for jokes. Chuckles the Clown was left at the gates.

Perhaps invest in some earplugs

This should be prefaced with the fact that earplugs are becoming more common in loud events. It’s not an insult to the fans or the sport to say they are a little loud. You will find ravers in the club, fans at gigs, and lots of other sports events featuring audience members with earplugs in.

We’ve all learned the harmful effects such events have on your hearing and just how long they can last, and the regulars to these events have started to take action. There’s nothing wrong with prepping your ears for a lot of chanting.

Speaking of which…

Okay, so you can’t appreciate the strategy or understand why everyone’s angry, but you can understand the feverish excitement of the game. So maybe learn a few chants. Tell whoever’s taking you to teach them a fun little task before the game and show off your singing in the stands. Or do it while you’re buying your tickets at seatpick.com/chelsea-tickets.

And cheer when your partner’s team scores. Make sure you know what colour they’re wearing so you don’t jump at the wrong moment and get the stink eye.