Camberwell Analytica rises from the social media ashes

An Oxford-educated team experts today announced a range of products promising to restore the UK public’s faith in tech innovation. The moves follows recent election fraud and privacy breach allegations which have sullied Britain’s reputation for technical and ethical leadership.

The new products and services are set to confirm Britain as the birthplace of tech firms to rival Facebook, Google and Netflix. The inspiration for much of the new tech has come from the UK’s powerful Information Commissioner’s Office and classic British literature including Peep Show and Smiley’s People. The wide portfolio of gadgets, social media services and apps include some of these never-before-revealed deep tech innovations.

Office 366 – The world’s first office productivity suite to address the productivity loss to the UK’s economy caused by Leap Years. According to the UK Office of National Statistics (ONS), the addition of eight hours to the working lives of UK citizens every four years is likely to offset any negative effects from Brexit.

Pet-friendly voice assistants – A spate of accidental neuterings as male cats mounted home devices, powered by services like Alexa, Siri and others, demanded urgent action. A new range of devices with less realistic cat-calls and come-hither barks are on sale from Monday at John Lewis, Argos and, while stocks last, Maplin.

Digestible silicon – A Jamie-Oliver inspired range of edible tech designed to be less intrusive than Facebook. Focused on combat obesity by assessing nutrition from the inside out, top sellers are predicted to include Apple-flavoured iPhone handsets, ethically-sourced phishing apps and vegan Hives.

The launch range though is just the tip of the iceberg, thanks to a £1.4bn fundraising round, led by Russian and Saudi investors. There are set to be many more tech-based stories in the headlines over the next 12 months as concepts like ‘The Internet’ become common parlance.

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